illustration (attribution, if any possible, is at the end of the article)
When I asked her what she was thinking about, she just looked at me for a long time, then said "Joker! I cannot say."
This did hurt! Of all the people I was close to, I definitely hated seeing her take some distance… but then I realised I had stepped back first. In my attempt to "let her live her life" —with her husband, hence without too much of me around,— I had simply closed myself off.
When I wrote to her a few days later and enquired about her lack of trust, she replied it had "nothing to do with trust, or even with you!" And yes, the gulf I had opened between us was hard for her to bear. But the silence was not due to my failed execution of a loving intention…
Her silence had followed the remark I had made on "refusing to let fear choose my life for me", words gone straight for her jugular as she realised she was afraid… And she just did not know what to do, there and then, with this insight!
But since her fears had to do with her couple, she thought she should first talk to her husband about it, rather than to me.
Hurtful attachment! Hurtful decisions and interpretations! Hurtful silence!
All the best intentions, including to "love without clinging"… but a lot of suffering! Intentions may change in a flash, but causal tendencies might require some time to catch up… Or was I simply fabricating too many 'views' still, on what "loving without clinging" entailed?
photo © Sean Archer
This short fiction was inspired by some posts from , who regularly writes little gems (with a photo and a somehow matching story) that I enjoy.